


The Rescue of Prince Bilbo from the Slightly Overprotective Smaug the Greatest Calamity of this Age

by denytheworld



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-11 11:18:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denytheworld/pseuds/denytheworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine your OTP in a prince and princess role, where the princely figure needs to rescue their princess from a dragon.</p>
<p>Crack! In which Bilbo is a very pragmatic prince with a dragon and Thorin Oakenshield just can't win.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. enter thorin oakenshield

**Author's Note:**

> This is so far from serious.

"Are you sure you want _that_ one?"

Bilbo wasn't surprised by Smaug's disapproval. He was never impressed, this great dragon. Over the past few decades, their lonely mountain had received their fair share of princes, lords and even a handful of ambitious knights. They had all been charming, handsome (from what he could tell high up on the mountain), and very brave.

Or Bilbo had supposed. It's not like they had much time to talk before the fighting started. But they all had names like So-and-so the Brave or So-and-So the Great or, his favourite, So-and-So the Magnificent.

They were men of importance, powerful men with many followers.

None of them survived, of course.

Bilbo nodded, peering absently down the great distance from the battlements down onto the small band of dwarves that had come a-calling. It wasn't _quite_ the army Bilbo had expected, but he supposed, a small group was just as fine company as a large one. Thorin Oakenshield must be really brave or really stupid to underestimate a dragon.

Thorin Oakenshield was a name greatly admired - greatest of the noble dwarves, a direct descendant of Durin the Deathless. When the ravens had heralded his arrival, Bilbo had been pleased. He had hoped that this one would meet Smaug's exacting standards.

Smaug, on the other hand... not so much.

There was a rumble as Smaug considered his tiny ward and Bilbo waited. "At least he's a King?" Thorin Oakenshield had _that_ going for him, if nothing else. Smaug had a great distaste for 'poncy princes', as the great beast had called them.

"All kings were once princes, little one." Smaug chided, but the roll of those glittering eyes told Bilbo that he was in a good enough mood to give the prospective suitor a chance. "And he looks _poor._ "

Now it was Bilbo's turn to roll his eyes. Smaug was never satisfied with the calibre of his gentleman callers. He disliked the elves for being twiggy. He disliked the men for being _men_. He disliked hobbits for being too cowardly to walk out their front doors - let alone make the trek all the way to their mountain! And most of all, he disliked - "He's a poor, _dwarf_ King."

Bilbo had always thought it hypocritical that his guardian would hate dwarves but love their gold and fine works easily enough. They were living _in_ a dwarven stronghold, carved in the depths of a grand mountain! But Smaug liked to ignore all things dwarven - even his dwelling. And when Bilbo had said so, upon occasion, Smaug would work himself up into a snit and then proceed to incinerate every single caller for the next five years. Bilbo, pragmatic hobbit prince that he was, decided not to point out Smaug's hypocrisy any longer.

"The other fellow, the nice Duke of something, or whatever. He would have been better than this _pauper dwarf_."

Smaug had taken great joy in _eating_ that fellow Duke of _Something_.

"Well, he's dead and gone and I _would_ like to get on with things." He was getting on in years and while Bilbo liked Smaug well enough, he was _supposed_ to let in a prince or two. That was how these things go. Perhaps his mother should have found a less devoted guardian for him. Taking it upon himself to greet their visitors, Bilbo leaned over the battlements, "Hello there! Welcome to Erebor!"

There was silence from the ground below, until - "You _blasted_ hobbit! You mountain _thief_! That's _my_ kingdom you're welcoming me to!"

What did he mean...?

" _Smaug_!"

"Did I forget to mention...?" 


	2. bilbo has a problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin wants the mountain and the mountain only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never intended Smaug to be such a smart ass but here he is. 
> 
> Smaug is the sass master

Bilbo Baggins has a problem.

This little problem wasn't Smaug, his overprotective guardian of the fire-breathing variety. He loved Smaug very much and loved his home - the former residence of a grand dwarf population. It was full of shiny trinkets. They made for good decoration and was easily exchanged for things he needed. Bilbo had taken to throwing those things down the mountainside when he was younger, delighting in the way the pieces twinkled in the sunlight - much to Smaug's consternation.

His little problem wasn't the band of dwarves currently making camp on the shadows of Erebor. He liked them as well as he could, for they were still strangers. He would have invited them inside if not for Smaug. The mountain was _huge_ and it held only him and Smaug and for a short while, his parents. No, he didn't have anything against the group - even if they planned on _stealing_ his 'dowry', of sorts.

His problem was Thorin Oakenshield, the leader of that ragtag band of dwarves settling at the foot of the mountain. _The_ mountain, now that Bilbo could not call it (in good conscience) _his_ mountain. It seemed Thorin Oakenshield has returned for it. After that rude bit of name-calling, he had stated in _no_ uncertain terms:

He wanted to slay the dragon. (Granted, they all wanted to slay the dragon)

He wanted the wealth in the mountain. (Again, they all wanted the gold)

He definitely didn't want Bilbo. (Unacceptable)

It was with a mixture of wounded pride and indignation that had Bilbo sulking in the treasure halls with Smaug. "Can you _believe_ that massive _soft-soled_ barbarian?!" Bilbo had ranted, working through his limited vocabulary of insults as he went. With no one to talk to and thus no one to insult but Smaug, Bilbo had very little reason to collect insults.

This was an oversight he was going to correct immediately. The next time he graced the battlements, he will be well-armed with suitably stinging insults. And to add insult to injury, Smaug wasn't even _trying_ to console him _or_ defend him! The massive winged beast was sprawled comfortably around the largest heap of treasure, practically emanating waves of smug superiority and watched. "I don't like him!"

"I never liked him in the first place." Smaug retorted smartly, " _You_ were the one who wanted him to come."

"Well, I was mistaken! Send him away!"

" _Gladly_."

Uh oh. Bilbo recognized that tone and he didn't like what came after it. "No! Don't _kill_ him!"

Smaug huffed, fire escaping from his open jaws and reached far enough to flicker over Bilbo's head harmlessly. It was strange to recognize one of Belladonna's exasperated looks on a great fire-breathing beast, but there it was. His mother always had that look on her face when Bilbo's father said something far too 'boring'. "Then what _should_ I do, Bilbo?"

Bilbo wrung his hands. He didn't want Smaug burning anything anymore. The mountainside was _just_ starting to recover from the last time he went on one of his 'burn everything that lives' episodes. "I don't know, couldn't you scare him off?"

"...Have you _tried_ scaring a dwarf? They're dumb as rocks and _that_ would be an insult to rocks."

"...Then what are we going to do?"

Smaug snorted, "Maybe you should propose? That'll send him packing." 


	3. there's a thief in the mountain and it's not bilbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smaug meets a dwarf he doesn't immediately hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smaug & Nori BROTP, I think.

Bilbo wakes to the sound of laughter. 

It was so out of place in this big mountain and for a moment, he had thought himself to be elsewhere. But that would have meant Smaug had been defeated and the thought of  _that_ was preposterous. Besides, the laughter was followed by Smaug's earth-shaking rumble. From his chambers, Bilbo couldn't quite discern whether it was anger or pleasure.

Someone was in the mountain and they were alive - for now. 

Was it Thorin? 

No, there certainly wouldn't be  _laughter_ if that dwarf finds his way into Smaug's lair. 

The sight that greeted him in the treasure hall was unexpected, to say the least. He'd have thought himself hallucinating but a quick pinch to the wrist had him wincing. There was a dwarf here. His elaborate hairstyle was familiar to him - he was one of Thorin's. 

"It seems, Bilbo, that we have a thief amongst us." Smaug's slow ominous drawl belied his quiet curiosity, but Bilbo could see it. Still, he was more relieved to see that their visitor was still considered one of the living. He was fearless, that was for sure. 

He was also making himself comfortable on Smaug's snout, a heavy crown on his head. A wicked grin was on his face and Bilbo just - _how did he get in?_

"What did he take, then?" Bilbo asked instead, making his way slowly through the piles of treasure, gold coins and gems scattering every which way as he went. Some days, he wondered if it was truly necessary to have all this on display rather than safely and neatly stored. He would get from place to place a lot faster. But Smaug had insisted he had the pretty things around him. 

"Nothing yet," Smaug tilts his head just so, an action Bilbo had long interpreted as a shrug. "But he shows promise." 

"I'll rob ya blind," And going by the gleam in the strange dwarf's eye, Bilbo found himself believing him. "I'm Nori, at your service." 

"Bilbo." Despite himself, Bilbo shoots Smaug a look of betrayal. He was still mad at the comment he made last night, but that didn't mean he could go and adopt just any wandering creature that wanders into the mountain. Bilbo had half a mind to chuck the Arkenstone over the battlements. "You're a dwarf." 

"Aye, that I am, Master Bilbo." 

If anything, the betrayal cuts even deeper.  _A dwarf_. 

"I thought you didn't like dwarves." 

"You should marry this one." 

Oh  _hell_ no. 


	4. marriage talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bilbo comes to a decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short little update

As much as he'd like to stay in his chambers and ignore the company of dwarves currently squatting outside of his home, Bilbo simply couldn't. Smaug was going to lose his patience with the dwarves sooner or later and there'll only be more death and misfortune (for the dwarves) and mind-numbing irritation (for Bilbo). 

Besides, he was already feeling poorly for keeping the mountain's rightful owner from reclaiming his lost homeland. When Nori tells him there were  _more_ dwarves anxious to return home after nigh on two centuries of hardship and his resolve died a soft-hearted and quiet death. Over a hearty meal of roast venison, meat pies, rich cheeses, fried sausages, and a (mostly ignored) salad, Nori had won him over despite Smaug's bitter grumblings.

"I found this mountain fair and - "

"How could you  _do_ that to them, Smaug?!" Bilbo had wailed in his more delicate moments.

"Well you never complained about living here _before_." His fiery guardian grumbled before burying himself deeper into the gold coins around them. He was sulking again and the pair of glistening red orbs belied his malcontent. No doubt, he had just found another reason to hate dwarves. They've turned his sweet-natured and odd little charge against him. "Dwarves don't leave their mountains, elves don't leave their trees and  _hobbits_ \- "

"Well I bloody well thought they moved, alright?!" Bilbo snapped, teary-eyed. He couldn't eat another bite, so distraught was he. It was horrible. How could he spend their gold, sleep in their beds and live in their home while hundreds of thousands of dwarves toiled and died so far from home? How could he live with himself? "Something must be done! We'll find another home!"

Smaug nestled even deeper into the gold, deadset on ignoring him. But Bilbo was having none of it. " _Smaug!_ We need to give this mountain back to the dwarves. It's immensely rude. I cannot even - " Nori snorted into his meat pie. To think the pillage and violent upheaval of a grand dwarven kingdom for two centuries could be simply deemed  _rude_. Well, he would have quite a story to recount to his company soon enough. "Smaug, don't ignore me! I'll chuck it, I swear to the gods, I'll chuck that stupid pebble right over the battlements if you don't - "

"Enough! Marry the blasted dwarf and let them come in then." Smaug snapped. The piles of gold shuddered, rising and falling as the great serpent below writhed in irritation. 

"I'm not marrying him!"

"Then he's not stepping one foul foot into  _my_ mountain." A pause. "...Your mother was very clear on it." 

Nori snorted again. 

* * *

 

"So I think," Bilbo concluded his speech, as dignified as he could while peering over the battlements to the assembly below, "That we should marry."

The dwarves' expressions had darkened considerably as Bilbo spoke. But he was used to fouler tempers and even scarier looks. The Hobbit remained unflappable. After all, he thought that his terms had been fair. In exchange for Erebor and all of her riches, Thorin would marry him and see to his comforts for as long as they both lived. Oh, and they weren't allowed to kill Smaug. What kind of ward would he be if he'd let his dear guardian die? When no one replied, Bilbo continued on nervously, "It's not like hobbits live very long. I've got sixty years left, sixty-five at most!" 

"Smaug  _will_ die by my blade and I'll not have some duplicitous  _grocer_  making demands of me!" 

Grocer?  _Grocer_? 

"You can forget about your thrice-damned mountain, Thorin Oakenshield!" 

 

 


End file.
